Sunday, August 26, 2012


Frequently, I am asked the question, ‘where did you get the title for your debut novel?’ And, my answer is always the same: my agent. A PERFECT HUSBAND was his suggestion and I immediately changed the title. When Sami became a popular fictional character, the prompt came to create a sequel, and naturally, the PERFECT series came into existence. Now, I take the inference far more personal, perfection being an Everest, the Zenith in a never-ending cycle to achieve that critical state and the nose-dive crash into personal suffering that can certainly follow if not performing up to par.

Is failure an option? Was it ever?

 Or, is it part of our societal culture to always be winners? What if we were only average? What if we didn’t stand out? Make a name for ourselves? Be somebody. I have been burdened with the lifelong weight of wanting to be somebody…other than myself. What information chip was inserted into my brain giving me the impression that just being me, was not enough?  Am I the only one?

I no longer blame my mother. Her reckless actions, the tools she used to raise her children were a byproduct of her youth -- turbulent, volatile and full of loss. Nevertheless, the message somehow got through and the process of awakening into my Divine Life has been a constant effort.  There have been times when ‘things fell apart,’ the ground shifted, my security, safety and livelihood was threatened. And, my immediate response – panic! I cannot be perceived as a failure, I can’t look bad. What if somebody hears? Sees? How will I ever live with myself? Precisely. How DID I ever live with myself? At any cost, I protected THE image.

The plot thickens. 

This awakening comes at a major turning point. Chasing personal demons the last eight months has been a testament to my endurance; emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Grappling with the bottom rung of my unsavory behaviors, all the tedious ways I avoided the salty in between -- image versus worthlessness. What a colossal amount of energy that took. The unconscious cycle of my wretched attacks to try harder, get more, be better was a non-stop, monotonous campaign.  The dichotomous nature of my psyche so enmeshed in polar opposite thinking I never had an opportunity to come up for air. Take a breath. The price of losing…far too great. It would be the total and irrevocable loss of me -- whoever that me was. And, the greater question, who was watching anyway?

My investigation into the nooks and crannies of my existence became a quest, my mission. And, the allowance of one small emotion created an avalanche of change: compassion. I began seeing myself compassionately for the first time, which allowed a greater opportunity to see the world more compassionately. Then gratitude slipped into the mix. I began not wanting to numb-out my existence; instead, I wanted to feel my Life more intensely. I wanted to lean into the painful dualities that caused so much of my internal indignation. I allowed myself permission to FAIL. I gave myself a break! I let go! I began not judging myself so harshly by book rankings, the amount of money I made, or how much cash was left in the bank after payday. I began a heartfelt discussion with that needy neurosis that blanketed my Life with vicious self-talk. I opened myself up to a different set of parameters that allowed conversation, and should an attack begin, I could let go, take a deep breath and look leisurely at the big blue sky.

Of course, these cathartic change-of-Life events always happen at a precipice. When the world left behind is of the old, and the newness up front, full of the unknown.  When work is ending and times are unstable and the ground beneath me has a quivering Richter scale lurking…threatening.  Even in this, I feel an AWAKENING. A growing up. A new platform in which to take this last chapter. My journey from hell to this place, this unstable, unsure, unsafe position feels infinitely better than the self-created duality I manifested. I would be lying to say there is no fear – of course, there is – it’s the unknown, but I am optimistic, not nostalgic…in a curious way, reborn. Now, it’s about patience. It’s all working. I will step into this new Life, again, without so much baggage, and what carry-on I do take with me, I can handle. I have such gratitude for this moment.  FREEDOM. This awakening to awareness is a blessing, a feeling of weightlessness – the voice of the child walking toward a horizon looking to the light. THIS IS IN ME!  It’s okay to fail. Fail big, even. For once, it’s okay to be me…TO BE ENOUGH!

Certainly not…perfect!