Saturday, August 17, 2013

 ENCOUNTER
coming OCTOBER 31!
HALLOWEEN!


You know him...
known him.
You met in college... you were sweethearts, lovers... remember?
He wasn't your first...
But you vowed he'd be your last.
For over fifteen years you've been married to him...
had children by him...
created a life together with him...
Then...
he takes a business trip.
Nothing unusual.
A normal occurrence for his profession...
The problem is...
he doesn't return...

EVER!


* * *

San Francisco
2010
Five men.
All mysteriously disappear.
No clues...
no ransom notes...
no bodies...
All vanished... without a trace.

ENCOUNTER
Are you available tonight... for a thriller?


copyright douglaswickardbooks.com
check out A PERFECT HUSBAND anywhere ebooks are sold
check out A PERFECT SETUP exclusively on Amazon the sequel to A PERFECT HUSBAND

Sunday, July 28, 2013

BOOK LAUNCH: A PERFECT SETUP the SAMI SAXTON sequel arriving AUGUST 15, 2013

  A moment of weakness...
 an afternoon of passion...
                                 


 ...a brutal murder hits close to home...
    The explosive sequel to A PERFECT HUSBAND
    Arriving exclusively on Amazon August 15!



 ~Early praise for A PERFECT SETUP

★★★★★ A PERFECT SETUP "It is a positive relief to read a sequel where the heroine doesn't bounce back happy & into the fray."
 
A PERFECT SETUP "...the final scene left me wanting more, needing to know. And, therein lies, for me, its brilliance."

"...Wickard delves into the sordid reality and excitement of affairs, domination, submission, & abuse." A PERFECT SETUP

"The novel does not shrink from confronting the realities of trauma and PTSS."

★★★★★ "Certainly equal to and in my opinion even superior to its predecessor
A PERFECT HUSBAND

"...Masterful. ★★★★★  Douglas Wickard does it again!" Penelope Childs
 
"...the return of characters who've become old friends; the meeting of new ones we wouldn't want as enemies."  5* Amazon Reviewer

 
Sami's back! And this time it's personal!

The New York Times, Daily News and New York Post hailed her a hero.

Samantha Saxton, better known as Sami "owned the night," they reported. She was the victor, the quiet champion, the anti-heroine single-handedly destroying the career of a lethal serial killer stalking the tri-state area of New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania for six unremitting years. The disappearance of six teenage girls and the horrific details of their deaths received national, frenzied attention and Sami Saxton became the unlikely poster woman in all the coverage.

Sami's attempt to find a quieter, less hectic life by moving to the cabin her deceased father built years ago in the remote township of Montique, New Jersey didn't turn out quite the way she expected.

Returning to the City, Sami purchases a spacious, fifth floor, open-airy, glass-walled condominium on the Upper West Side overlooking the Hudson River. Another new start!

But, that night continues to haunt her...in her dreams and in her life. The nightmares persist, vivid, ongoing and relentless. Posttraumatic stress syndrome paralyzes her. Anxiety attacks intensify and not even prescription pain killers can relieve her anquish.

Then, the unthinkable occurs. A young, female model is found brutally murdered in a midtown hotel, and Jerry Saxton, Sami's ex-husband, is taken into custody for the heinous crime.

TRUST NO ONE!
 
 
~Praise for A PERFECT HUSBAND   
 
"Smitty refers to his smile as his "greatest weapon," and that's ultimately what makes him so terryifying. His starting point for murder is not a brutal act, but a genial expression. Assertive characters with distinct backgrounds provide a solid foundation for the story of a killer on the hunt ."   ~KIRKUS BOOK REVIEW                                                                                     
 
"Up there with Jonathan Kellerman..." Amazon Reviewer Fleur Smithwick
 
"A killer performance." Fredericke Brooke author of DOING MAX VINYL and ZOMBIE CANDY
 
"...not since SIDNEY SHELDON has an author captivated me so..." Amazon reviewer
 
"One of the most suspenseful books I've read this year."  Nancy Silk
 
"The words truly paint a picture." Jaimie J.
 
"Could not put this book down."  A. King
 
 
 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Up close & personal with writer CATHERINE ASTOLFO

                                      A special treat for my blog readers.
CATHERINE ASTOLFO is here in Los Angeles discussing her new bestselling novel
SWEET KAROLINE


I was fortunate to be one of the first readers of SWEET KAROLINE.

"In Catherine Astolfo's chilling new novel Sweet Karoline, things aren't always as they seem. Anne, the multifaceted anti-heroine in this noir tale takes a fateful journey into her forgotten past, uncovering the painful roots of her childhood. While furrowing for answers, a mystery unfolds, truths swirl to the surface, a heinous murder occurs. Who's the killer? Caught in a tangled web of greed, lies and deceit Anne must come to terms with her past, present and future, and the bleak realization that those we hold close may be the last ones to trust. Compelling, visually descriptive, deftly delivered…Catherine Astolfo's got the goods!"


 
So welcome, Cathy. Nice to have you back in sunny California. Even though we met breifly, it was a pleasure sharing wine and good conversation. Let's get right down to the questions: 

     Sweet Karoline is a confident novel. Your creative voice is strong. There is something new, something different working here. Can you explain it?

That’s a great question, something I have been mulling over ever since I began Sweet Karoline. The answer is kind of complicated. When I started SK, my main characters, Anne and Karoline, were enigmas. I seriously couldn’t decide if they were good or bad “girls”.  Then my publisher   asked me if I could make Sweet Karoline part of the Emily Taylor series (you know, to help with that branding thing – important to marketing). I told her I’d give it a try. Months later, Anne and Karoline were still rebelling. Finally, I let Imajin Books know that SK would just have to be a standalone. Thank goodness, they understood. And then – I let go! I allowed my subconscious to take over. No Editor sitting on my shoulder, no solid outline – just a flow of thoughts and emotions and experiences. It was the best feeling ever. Plus I think it has changed my writing forever. I am going to be less rigid, planned and perfectionist in my writing from now on (at least during the creative flow part).

     What gave you the idea for Sweet Karoline? What triggered your imagination to weave this story?

My Emily Taylor series has some elements that are found in Sweet Karoline, namely the native influence, small town Ontario settings and complicated relationships. I wanted to write a story based on my children’s heritage. My kids are part black, part white, and part Native, with an undocumented connection to Joseph Brant. The combination of my own descendents and my children’s paternal family was just too weird to resist. Characters abound on both sides. So I took a little bit of the history, romance, tragedy and twisted relationships, added a whole lot of imagination, and out came this story.

     Sweet Karoline is a one-off, not part of your ET series. Do you prefer writing a continuing character or one-off’s?

For the longest time, I wondered if I could actually write a book without Emily Taylor in it. I thought I’d be in mourning for a long time. Not that I killed Emily or anything, but I did say the fourth book was her last. In some ways, I think I want to leave her alone, happily ever after so to speak. Now that I’ve finished one standalone, there are a whole bunch of others seeking my attention. So I honestly don’t think I’ll write another series. That doesn’t necessarily make my publisher happy re promotion and branding – but I guess the brand will just have to be me LOL. 
 
     How much research do you do for one of your novels?

I’m not that fond of research to be honest, but it’s a fact of life. Everything I write needs some kind of fact behind it. For instance, when I was writing The Bridgeman, I realized I had to know something about lift bridges. If I can go out and look at something, I do. I headed to Merrickville and studied their locks and the lift bridge. For the rest of my books, I’ve had to research wrongful convictions (Seventh Fire), Ojibwa philosophy (Victim) and legends, puppy mills (The Bridgeman), gold mines, the law in small town Ontario (Legacy)…you name it. However, I always caution my readers that I adhere to the old adage, “Never let the facts get in the way of a good story.” Although the research has been done, I often manipulate the details for my own purposes. For Sweet Karoline I even got to travel to Los Angeles and meet one of my favorite writers, Douglas Wickard.


     Do you use real people when you create characters for your novels?

I do – sort of. I think my characters are amalgams. A little bit me, some people I’ve known in the past (or present), characters I’ve read about in newspapers, someone I met in passing. I put all of that together, mix it all up, and make somebody entirely new. Also, I find names in the obituaries. I put different first with different surnames and so on. Part real, part fiction!

 
     Let’s talk about sex! Are you comfortable writing sex scenes?

I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I LOVE writing sex scenes. It’s my daughter, who’s always my first reader, who gets very uncomfortable! This is what one of my reviewers said about the sex scenes in Sweet Karoline, “The novel hits its heights as the best lovemaking scenes and the ones that are just 'rocks off' sex as any I've read. The writing jumps off the page. The main character is real, frail, strong, seeking, manipulative, scared and secretive.” I really, really like that blurb, I must say. I think I do have the most fun with the characters during a sex scene. That’s when they’re naked, not just in body, but vulnerable to either be loved or used. Sometimes that’s when you can take a peek into their true natures.

 
     I felt your ET series maintained a certain safety, a bit of you holding back. Sweet Karoline does not, in my opinion. It felt visceral, raw, edgy. Noir. Do you notice the difference? Was the writing process different for you?

You are so right. I think because Emily is a school Principal, there’s a certain expectation that she won’t be entirely off the wall. Since she is integral to the books, she held me back a bit, I think (sorry, Em, but it’s true). Plus Emily is under a certain constraint throughout the novels. Her life didn’t turn out the way she wanted it to, and she has to hold back a lot of secrets. The writing process was quite different with Sweet Karoline. Far more stream-of-consciousness than with the Emily’s. The visceral parts were the best, when I could feel what Anne was experiencing. Honestly, if I could write like that every minute of the day, I’d be in heaven. It was a terrific experience. I hope I can continue to apply that process to the next and the next.

 
     We often are asked what our writing process is…but I would like to know how you tackle the editing process. The rewriting.

I’m a bit of an obsessive editor. I think it’s the bane of all ex-school teachers that we notice grammar and spelling errors. I have to admit that I edit as I go. Not so much with Sweet Karoline, however – and that was a good thing. Maybe I’m finally old enough or have been retired long enough to let go of that. Sometimes when I can’t get going on the manuscript, I allow myself to spend a few minutes editing. Believe it or not, that can get the muse flowing again. I reread a section that’s particularly good and all of a sudden, I’m off again. Once I get my Beta reader responses, I rewrite according to their suggestions. I don’t keep every suggestion, but if more than one person points out a flaw, I seriously consider changing the passage. I don’t know about you, but I could probably rewrite until the story disappears. At some point, I have to say: OK, done. Now on to the publisher and professional editors. Usually, if I’ve done my job well and followed my beta readers’ advice, I don’t have a lot of rewriting to do at that stage.

 
     Waiting for Beta reader’s responses can keep us in an altered, anxious state. How do you choose your Beta reader’s and how do you use their feedback?

I am so very lucky with my Beta readers. I have seven of them. Four are all retired teachers; one is a former book editor; one is my daughter and one my daughter-in-law. The last two are in the film industry and have read hundreds of scripts. The former are extremely good with the mechanics of the novel. But they’re also all voracious readers. So they can tell me about consistency of character or setting and words or phrases that are out of place or jarring. I listen to them very carefully and often make the changes they suggest, particularly if several of them make a note of it.

 
     What’s next?

I’m working on two books. One is a young adult mystery novel. The second, an adult mystery, is a “black comedy”. Right now I’m calling the adult book a cozy, but it’s probably a bit edgier than that. Next, I think I’ll be writing a general fiction novel about a couple of generations of women. It’s germinated, but I’m still not sure if I should throw in a mysterious death. I’ve also got two anthologies of short stories coming out around Christmas. Obsessed? Ya think?

 

Find out all about Catherine’s books at her website: www.catherineastolfo.com. You can join her on lots of social media there, too.

BUY THE BOOK:
http://www.amazon.com/Sweet-Karoline-ebook/dp/B00DUIDMKO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374161709&sr=8-1&keywords=sweet+Karoline

http://www.amazon.ca/Sweet-Karoline-ebook/dp/B00DUIDMKO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1374161798&sr=8-1&keywords=sweet+karoline

Thanks for the chat, Cathy. Looking forward to seeing you again, real soon.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013



A PERFECT SETUP
DOUGLAS WICKARD

A moment of weakness…an afternoon of passion…a brutal murder hits close to home…
The explosive sequel to A PERFECT HUSBAND.

Praise for A PERFECT HUSBAND

“…Somebody might ask me what it was about this book why I couldn’t put it down. Boy, isn’t that the million dollar question that all writers and publishers would like to know. In this case, the words flowed. There weren’t grammatical, technical or formatting mistakes that made me stop in my tracks. I didn’t want to re-write a section. As a writer and editor, it’s very difficult for me to read novels because I always want to fix them. I want to edit, to re-write, but this was not the case and that in itself was a joy for me.
I also liked the characters. Mostly Sami. There was something endearing and actually humorous about her. I could envision her, I felt like I was in her head, she was written clearly and succinctly, and you were on her side. You rooted for her. When she was in danger, you’d find yourself telling her to, “Watch out!”
I became involved in the story, it took me away to the world of Sami Saxton for 2 days and I thank the author Douglas Wickard for transporting me to her world where it was intriguing, thrillingly horrific, humorous at times, and most of all, entertaining. Oh, and for the next Douglas Wickard novel, I won’t read the sample first; I’ll go straight to “Buy this book.”
…Bestselling author Catherine Burr

“…Smitty refers to his smile as his “greatest weapon,” and that’s ultimately what makes him so terrifying. His starting point for murder is not a brutal act, but a genial expression.
Assertive characters with distinct backgrounds provide a solid foundation for the story of a killer on the hunt.
…KIRKUS Book Review
“Up there with Jonathan Kellerman…” …Fluerwick Smith
“A killer performance.” …Frederick Brooke author of DOING MAX VINYL & ZOMBIE CANDY.
“…psychological suspense at its best!” …Marla Madison author of SHE’S NOT THERE.
“One of the most suspenseful novels I’ve read this year.” …Nancy of Utah
“The words truly paint a picture.” …Jamie J.
“Could not put this book down…” …A. King.
 
The New York Times, Daily News and New York Post all hailed her a hero!
Samantha Saxton, better known as Sami ‘owned the night,’ they reported. She was the victor, the quiet champion, the anti-heroine single-handedly destroying the career of a lethal serial killer stalking the tri-state area of New York, New Jersey and Pennsylvania for six unremitting years. The disappearance of six teenage girls and the horrific details of their deaths received national, frenzied attention and Sami Saxton became the unlikely poster woman in all the coverage.
Sami’s attempt to find a quieter, less hectic life by moving to the cabin her deceased father built years ago in the remote urban township of Montague, New Jersey didn’t turn out quite the way she intended.
Returning to the City, Sami purchases a spacious, fifth floor, open-airy, glass-walled condominium on the Upper West Side overlooking the Hudson River…another new start!
But, that night continues to haunt her...in her dreams and in her life. The nightmares persist, vivid, ongoing and relentless. Posttraumatic stress syndrome paralyzes her, keeping her a prisoner in her newly renovated home. The anxiety attacks intensify and not even prescription painkillers are relieving the anguish.
Then, the unthinkable occurs. A young, female model is found brutally murdered in a midtown hotel. And, Jerry Saxton, Sami’s ex-husband, married for over twenty two years, is taken into custody for the heinous crime.
TRUST NO ONE!
A PERFECT SETUP…you do NOT want to miss what happens next!

 
 

 

Sunday, December 16, 2012

REPRISE A DEDICATION TO TEACHERS

I write thrillers.

I write about normal, everyday people forced into unlikely situations to overcome personal tragedies: painful divorces, addiction, mid-life crisis...even serial killers.

I have been known to travel to some pretty dark places to provide conflict for these characters.

Just ask SAMI SAXTON, my flawed, anti-heroine in A PERFECT HUSBAND...and soon to be released A PERFECT SETUP.

Readers ask me, "how do I go there?"

I smile.

I was raised in a small town in Ohio.

I was born into a family of women. Probably one of the reasons I gravitate to writing strong female characters. My father was absent. My mother was a single, twice-divorced woman trying to juggle six children on monthly alimony payments -- whether the checks arrived or not. Life was chaotic, unsafe and over-the-top. I was always one-step away from a foster home. My security and sanity was kept, just barely, by several 'angels' in my young life. An unknown woman (to this day, I still have no idea who she was) paid my yearly YMCA membership. I submerged myself in physical activities which kept me away from home and exhausted.

And... the library. There I was, sneaking my precocious, adolescent self past the elderly librarian through the cranky turnstile into the glorious world of adult fiction. Freedom. At last. Until I got caught. With money I earned from my paper route, I joined the Double-Day-Book-Club. Remember when you could buy six books for a penny? The excitement I felt, adrenaline- filled anticipation running home after school, looking forward to that little brown packaged box filled with my personal, private literary choices. To this day it still makes me grin. (Still makes it difficult to read from a Kindle!)

... CATCH-22, MIDNIGHT COWBOY, VALLEY OF THE DOLLS... these were some of the titles I purchased and devoured well before I hit the seventh grade. (Precocious, I did say that!) Those books, among others catapulted me into exotic worlds and make-shift lives where words expressed on paper allowed a portal for my escape. A place to hide where I secretly read, viewed and related to other people's troubles far away from my own.

I was a sensitive boy, inward and not overly confident. I had few friends and even though I was well-liked in school, I was far from popular. My attempts at masculine imitation were futile. I was the one-off, the left-of-center, always trying to find that place to fit in, belong...a home.

I expressed my hidden self, that secretive part of me with words. My voice, full of emotional angst and pubescent longing -- rage -- found a quiet resting place on the page. And, my 10th grade English teacher nurtured that innocent discovery. For whatever reason, she took an interest in my poetry. (I know...poetry?) Her attention to my writing instilled an inner confidence in me, a willingness to continue, a way to move past my fears. An avalanche of emotions gushed forth, an outpouring of feelings experienced -- past, present and future. For once, I was able to represent myself without intimidation or embarrassment or shame. Pain became a metaphor, new but interestingly mysterious and useable.

Through some difficult patches in high school this teacher also became a friend. She allowed me to sign hall passes, forging her name when anxiety grew too great to arrive to school on time, or when the pressures of my seemingly overwhelming life bogged me down to a complete, sloggy hault. There was even a time when a group of us shared pizza at her upstairs, quaint apartment. I remember her nestled, guru style before us, leaning against tie-dyed covered furniture wearing a 60's collared shirt and exhibiting hip! The color was turquoise.

My gratitude will always be to my 10th grade English teacher.


Teachers DO make a difference.

On graduation day, before I left for the Navy, this specific teacher gave me a gift, a book called THE PROPHET by Kahlil Gibran. Inside was a note, now framed in my home. She wrote:

'Doug, you have a definite talent for writing. Your style is simple. This is important because wordiness sometimes conceals all the meaning. Truth does not need embellishment. Life should be simple ~ simply beautiful...'

I will always have a deep appreciation for this teacher. She gave my dream wings... my words flight...

Thank you...to all the teachers who have touched their student's lives in ways they may never know.
Thank you...from the bottom of my heart, PATSY GRIMM, my 10th grade English teacher for always believing in my true, authentic self. But, more importantly my...voice.

My next book, Patsy will be dedicated to you!

Much love,

Douglas

Sunday, August 26, 2012

THE AWAKENING

Frequently, I am asked the question, ‘where did you get the title for your debut novel?’ And, my answer is always the same: my agent. A PERFECT HUSBAND was his suggestion and I immediately changed the title. When Sami became a popular fictional character, the prompt came to create a sequel, and naturally, the PERFECT series came into existence. Now, I take the inference far more personal, perfection being an Everest, the Zenith in a never-ending cycle to achieve that critical state and the nose-dive crash into personal suffering that can certainly follow if not performing up to par.

Is failure an option? Was it ever?

 Or, is it part of our societal culture to always be winners? What if we were only average? What if we didn’t stand out? Make a name for ourselves? Be somebody. I have been burdened with the lifelong weight of wanting to be somebody…other than myself. What information chip was inserted into my brain giving me the impression that just being me, was not enough?  Am I the only one?

I no longer blame my mother. Her reckless actions, the tools she used to raise her children were a byproduct of her youth -- turbulent, volatile and full of loss. Nevertheless, the message somehow got through and the process of awakening into my Divine Life has been a constant effort.  There have been times when ‘things fell apart,’ the ground shifted, my security, safety and livelihood was threatened. And, my immediate response – panic! I cannot be perceived as a failure, I can’t look bad. What if somebody hears? Sees? How will I ever live with myself? Precisely. How DID I ever live with myself? At any cost, I protected THE image.

The plot thickens. 

This awakening comes at a major turning point. Chasing personal demons the last eight months has been a testament to my endurance; emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. Grappling with the bottom rung of my unsavory behaviors, all the tedious ways I avoided the salty in between -- image versus worthlessness. What a colossal amount of energy that took. The unconscious cycle of my wretched attacks to try harder, get more, be better was a non-stop, monotonous campaign.  The dichotomous nature of my psyche so enmeshed in polar opposite thinking I never had an opportunity to come up for air. Take a breath. The price of losing…far too great. It would be the total and irrevocable loss of me -- whoever that me was. And, the greater question, who was watching anyway?

My investigation into the nooks and crannies of my existence became a quest, my mission. And, the allowance of one small emotion created an avalanche of change: compassion. I began seeing myself compassionately for the first time, which allowed a greater opportunity to see the world more compassionately. Then gratitude slipped into the mix. I began not wanting to numb-out my existence; instead, I wanted to feel my Life more intensely. I wanted to lean into the painful dualities that caused so much of my internal indignation. I allowed myself permission to FAIL. I gave myself a break! I let go! I began not judging myself so harshly by book rankings, the amount of money I made, or how much cash was left in the bank after payday. I began a heartfelt discussion with that needy neurosis that blanketed my Life with vicious self-talk. I opened myself up to a different set of parameters that allowed conversation, and should an attack begin, I could let go, take a deep breath and look leisurely at the big blue sky.

Of course, these cathartic change-of-Life events always happen at a precipice. When the world left behind is of the old, and the newness up front, full of the unknown.  When work is ending and times are unstable and the ground beneath me has a quivering Richter scale lurking…threatening.  Even in this, I feel an AWAKENING. A growing up. A new platform in which to take this last chapter. My journey from hell to this place, this unstable, unsure, unsafe position feels infinitely better than the self-created duality I manifested. I would be lying to say there is no fear – of course, there is – it’s the unknown, but I am optimistic, not nostalgic…in a curious way, reborn. Now, it’s about patience. It’s all working. I will step into this new Life, again, without so much baggage, and what carry-on I do take with me, I can handle. I have such gratitude for this moment.  FREEDOM. This awakening to awareness is a blessing, a feeling of weightlessness – the voice of the child walking toward a horizon looking to the light. THIS IS IN ME!  It’s okay to fail. Fail big, even. For once, it’s okay to be me…TO BE ENOUGH!

Certainly not…perfect!

 

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

THE END OF A 30 YEAR RELATIONSHIP

Right from the get-go, I was blindsided by the attraction, seduced into a cozy, symbiotic relationship.

The shy, approval-seeking young man with choirboy politeness transformed, magically into a fun, cocksure, sexy bad-boy! Intoxicated by this new, renegade, ‘don’t-give-a-damn’ attitude, I flung myself, at quick-speed velocity into the fire. Several times, throughout the rocky liaison, I pledged separation. On a trial basis. But, the mere thought of saying good-bye sent chills of expectant loss so intense I’d hurry back, dismissing any crazy ideas of parting. My Life developed into a comfortable dependency and denial -- my annoying, arrogant friend – cemented our bond of lifelong togetherness.

Now, after 30 years of faithful, reckless devotion, I am ending my relationship with Alcohol.

The long good-bye accompanies intense sadness and loss. Who am I without my loyal companion, my liquidly soul mate?  The comparison to a lover is provocative yet interestingly accurate. What began as nonchalant flirtation at the age of twenty-six blossomed into a lifelong burdensome secret? Even my marriage, with its untimely ending and ultimate divorce seemed easier to handle. The emotional pain experienced over the loss and separation of a liquid heart far exceeded the damage endured by the abandonment of a beating one. Alcohol was there, available and eager for my affection, offering me that slight rush, that enigmatic ‘click,’ and finally that pistol-ready release into the gallows of uninhibited darkness.

I would never allow myself the privilege of hitting ‘rock bottom,’ as twelve-step programs refer to that identifiable moment when addiction crushes the human spirit making a Life no longer able or willing to continue living in such a wretched state. Nope, not me. I performed my role perfectly. Always. I never lost a job, never arrived late, never lost time at work, never, never, never… admitted my vice and called myself an alcoholic. Me? Heaven’s no. I was above all that.

Was I what ‘they’ refer to as a functioning…one? Probably. My defense mechanisms -- state-of-the- art artillery – buried deep in my structured unconscious guarded the lurking monster. Did I want to admit it? No. Of course not. I teased with it for years, danced like Nureyev around the topic, avoiding all truth and any inevitable confrontation. Instead, I looked forward to that next chilled martini glass, that salty rim of a margarita, knowing the forgetful ‘click’ was only a few icy sips away. Deceptively delicious, indeed.

I scrambled headlong into the arena of my self-destruction. What was left, after the effects of Alcohol wore off was regret, a letdown, loss of integrity, respect and, let’s not forget, shame. Instead of pondering these feelings, I sprinted like a world-class athlete back to its solace. Alone, I could bury myself in its languid grip, wait expectantly for its recognizable take-off, hover dangerously overhead circling for deliverance and then, with reckless abandon, plunge myself into the absent abyss, that surly void where perfection failed to exist. The lack of calculated awareness allowed me a defiant, proud and defensive posture, a cover up to continue the abuse -- a slow-suicidal routine as scheduled and relaxed as drawing an evening bath.

Alcohol had no agenda. I was the taskmaster playing the slots, unable to balance my odds, eager to lose myself in the bells-and-whistle payoff -- I thought -- a win-win situation. I lost, of course. Years later, I realized the odds were never in my favor. Are they ever in self-delusion?

I have been given, by grace, the elegant choice to surrender my need. I am in deep gratitude for this option, this awakening into mindful awareness. As Sami Saxton expressed candidly in A PERFECT HUSBAND:  

“But those days are over. Too much drama, too many lost days, and too many missed opportunities catapulted me into soberness. A shaky sobriety. One, I fight daily. One, I often lose. I’m aware of the symptoms, what sets me off. And I try, like hell, to heed the warning signs.”

I find Sami’s admission honorable. Honest. I too, will fight the good fight for the rest of my Life. I refuse to go back. My path is forward, my direction clear, my intention for the future…to heal.

All in good time. All in good time…


“…the ideal spiritual journey needs the balance of ‘gloriousness’ and ‘wretchedness.’ If it were all glory, just one success after another, we’d get extremely arrogant and be completely out of touch with human suffering. On the other hand, if it were all wretchedness and we never had any insights, and never experienced joy or inspiration, then we’d get so discouraged that we’d give up. So, what’s needed is balance. But as a species, we tend to overemphasize the wretchedness.”

Chogyam Trungpa