Wednesday, March 21, 2012

ENCOUNTER REWRITE 367 of 462 pages CONFIDENCE in writing!

I believe in destiny! I live my life as though there is a Divine purpose for me on this planet. And, I also realize there has only been one person who really stood in the way of me accomplishing my mission/purpose/destiny...and that was ME! Sure, I could blame it all on  (hate that word) my upbringing, but at a certain point in order to become mature with my accomplishments as well as my failures I needed to add that word...accountability. I had to take some responsibility. I am enjoying the success of A PERFECT HUSBAND now! That novel was written in 2005. It went through many stages before it was published - and during those arduous years...rejection was a common thread. To an artist becomming...rejection is a four-letter word. But, it gave my days fuel, fire, my purpose intent on proving myself right, victorious, a champion. And, it also drained my soul...affirming myself over-and-over again was, to say the least, depleting, all consuming and without the proper support--downright anquish. But I quelled my feelings...isn't this what artistry is all about for God's sake?  My mother used to say -- 'make sure you have something to fall back on.' The curse of an artist. How many years would it take for me to banish those words? How many people would I project her disapproval on in order to 'show them?' How many relationships, jobs, friendships would I manifest an opportunity to prove 'them' wrong? That insecurity, I beleive, kept me unpublished and angry. The spiral of rejection I encountered was a familiar ringtone, a comfortable worn sweater I was used to. But, it really had NOTHING to do with my writing, my art, my talent. My words always had prose, style, insight and power...sensitivity. The question was how to use those gifts with confidence rather than as a portal for healing. Or, better yet, how to unite those unique qualities and create aknew?  Maturity in writing awarded me an inward confidence. I do the work now for me. I have good days and bad. But, I persevere. I have a better understanding of my strengths as well as my weaknesses, my limitations. I am willing to be open to critique without allowing my buttons to be pushed or squashed. Sure, who doesn't want to hear 'the pages are sublime' each time a submission is sent out. It's innate, it's part of the reason we give our voice in words for flight. But, it doesn't hinder my process or my love of it.  And, I must admit, getting published has given me a gateway of self reliance I value. Like stepping over a threshhold from one side -- to the other.
Keep writing...keep creating!

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